Aaaand I’m rambling.
I’m hurting right now, but not for the reasons people expect. I really don’t feel normal emotions like normal people. I do get some occasionally that are normal. But most of the time I feel a different emotion that causes the normal emotion.
But overall. I’m happy. I actually feel like I might be okay. Then again, I thought I felt that with him too… But I know o can rely on my parents. They will never ever need me to leave. No matter the circumstances. They will love me unconditionally forever. And that’s what I need right now. Not empty promises, certainty. And my parents have always provided that. And they still do. Every day.
There are people I miss. But I can message them. My downfall is because I have so little effort in me, I can only give what I get. So for the people who put in loads of effort and talk to me every day and send pictures, they will get that back. People who just greet me and give me the same words every day, will get that back too.
As much as I would love to be an unending fountain of love and compassion. But it’s been drained from me. People have taken parts of me. Like picking the plant instead of just the fruit, then wondering why there isn’t still more fruit.
I need to replant my inner plants. And while they grow I need to protect them. Even if that means I seem colder or whatever. I can only give as much love and affection as I get. And for some, they won’t notice a difference. Cos we have a balanced relationship. But those who hurt and drain me will notice me start to pull away. Cos I can’t stand to keep getting hurt anymore. I’m tired. And I’m a good person. I deserve love. Even if I don’t think I do. Sometimes my head has to protect my heart from itself.