So…

I’m so confused right now. I wish I knew what he wanted. I mean what he REALLY wanted. I wish he would stop pretending and just speak. I know I’m an idiot for letting this go on for so long. Trust me, I feel more and more like an idiot every day. Ever since that day I lost any kind of equality in our relationship. And at our shrink, I said I was worried he would use it against me. And both he and the shrink shamed me for saying it. Cos he “would never hurt me” he’s not “that kind of person”… And a few weeks later… Yeah… Guess he WAS that kind of person. But no matter. I’ve been cured of love. Most of the time all I feel is numb and disappointment in it’s place. I feel grateful and such, to people who are kind to me, but that love I used to feel all the time, like a heartbeat, it’s gone. I didn’t notice it at first. I guess it died slowly. But it’s gone now. Not that I mind. Looking back, love has really caused me nothing but guilt and pain. So thanks… Uh, fiancé? Boyfriend? Person I used to know? My walls were clearly not high enough before. But I don’t really need walls anymore. There is nothing left inside to protect.

I’m reminded.

Every morning I wake up…
And I’m reminded *of how I would stroke you as you slept and get up quietly so I didn’t wake you*

Every time I change my clothes… I’m reminded *of how you used to look at me and smile, of how you would tell me how beautiful I was, even when I was feeling ugly*

Every time I eat a meal… I’m reminded *of the foods you like, and the foods you don’t*

Every time I wear any jewelry… I’m reminded *of the 3 rings you gave me, and the question that came with each one*

Each time I hear a joke… I’m reminded *of your laugh, of your sense of humour, your smile*

Every time I hear a love song… I’m reminded *of how I used to think they were all about us, of how I would write pretty lyrics on paper for you*

Every time I see a child or a family… I’m reminded *of the future I was so sure we would share*

Each time I walk anywhere empty-handed… I’m reminded *of how perfectly our hands fitted together, of how incomplete I feel without you*

There is nothing I can do or think that won’t remind me. No way to get away from the broken ruins of the things I was once so sure about. No peace, just constant confusion and pain.
And yet now I see. I was giving all my love away, thinking I was getting as much back. And I crumbled when I realized it wasn’t so. I know now, the only person who will ever really put me first is me. And I should love myself as much as I was loving him.
Guess the best lessons come with the highest price tags.

pain fear alone hurt destroyed depressed angry betrayed painful memories

Aaaand I’m rambling.

I’m hurting right now, but not for the reasons people expect. I really don’t feel normal emotions like normal people. I do get some occasionally that are normal. But most of the time I feel a different emotion that causes the normal emotion.
But overall. I’m happy. I actually feel like I might be okay. Then again, I thought I felt that with him too… But I know o can rely on my parents. They will never ever need me to leave. No matter the circumstances. They will love me unconditionally forever. And that’s what I need right now. Not empty promises, certainty. And my parents have always provided that. And they still do. Every day.
There are people I miss. But I can message them. My downfall is because I have so little effort in me, I can only give what I get. So for the people who put in loads of effort and talk to me every day and send pictures, they will get that back. People who just greet me and give me the same words every day, will get that back too.

As much as I would love to be an unending fountain of love and compassion. But it’s been drained from me. People have taken parts of me. Like picking the plant instead of just the fruit, then wondering why there isn’t still more fruit.
I need to replant my inner plants. And while they grow I need to protect them. Even if that means I seem colder or whatever. I can only give as much love and affection as I get. And for some, they won’t notice a difference. Cos we have a balanced relationship. But those who hurt and drain me will notice me start to pull away. Cos I can’t stand to keep getting hurt anymore. I’m tired. And I’m a good person. I deserve love. Even if I don’t think I do. Sometimes my head has to protect my heart from itself.

The joy of being a woman.

WAAAAA my ovaries hurt. And I’m annoyed. And need lots of love and cuddles. And want to growl and bite people. And want to go to a party. And want to hide under my blanket. I want to get my business out there, I want to be a hermit and never see another human again. I miss my friends. I want to laugh and celebrate and scream and cry.
I fucking hate my time of the month.

Feeling really sad and confused.

On one hand, I am so glad to have all this time with my parents. I had been missing them worse every day and even though they were “close” I saw them like twice a year for a short while and that tore me up inside.
But on the other hand, I now miss “my” Shaun so much. It makes me sad beyond belief that I can’t have these people all in my life. It has to be one or the other.
I was so sure that it would be worth it to try be a part of Shaun’s family and then he and I would go somewhere and start our own. But since that isn’t happening, I feel stupid for even thinking that it would. I can’t have sex, I have depression and crazy anxiety. And I now actually hate certain members of his family. Did I really think I would manage? Really? Guess ignorance feels like optimism for the young and stupid.
But I’m older and wiser now. Actually feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 3 months.
But luckily, like i said, I had a giant hole in my heart because I missed my parents so much all the time, and now I get to see the every day, which is indescribably wonderful.

So here is the confused part. Because I am both happy and unhappy with the situation. I am mostly happy though. But then I get really angry too.

Truth is, I know what I want and I know I can’t have it and that’s what makes me truly sad. I’ll never regularly see the people I love. Even though there are so few of them. They are divided into 2 separate areas. So I will always have this inner tear. No matter what happens.

sad confused depression anxiety disorder mental illness family love hard decisions painful hurting self-loathing sex asexual pain depressive mental disorder my life tired torn messed up confusion dread panic panic attacks fear

rexuality:

I hate being told to do something I was already planning on doing

like I was all about doing this task, and then you told me to do it and now i am annoyed and this task is now 300x less likely to be completed

(via theerinpala)